There’s no title that can express this feeling, or even explain it

The worst sentence I’ve seen in black and white for a long long time.
I can’t even type how I’m feeling.
The excitement from everything at the beginning…
The first thoughts on adoption, the first meeting, the conversation with the adoption officer, the fact it would only take about 6 months…
How perfect we seemed to the adoption officers at the meeting.
Seeing and hearing the success stories.
I guess no one wants to talk about the supposed 7 out of 8 applicants in the UK who get refused at the first enquiry.
(I know it’s the Daily Mail, but still… Here’s the link)
No criminal record, no substance abuse… Still no good for the thousands of children desperate for a home.
Right now, it hurts to the point that I can’t even bear this blog.
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Cat amongst the pigeons…

We may have a donor…

I’m confused now. Do I trust them to be a donor for us and possibly get let down (again), or do we continue down the already stalled adoption route?

What would you do?

We have 4 months to try with a donor I guess… Or do we focus on the adoption? The preparation for adoption pretty much the same that we’d want to do for having a child with a donor…

 

Oh god I don’t know…

 

This would spin everything around.

Adoption: Alice is the one off work on “maternity” and I remain at work. Which I will admit hurts and I feel like I’ll miss so much.

Donor: I’d be the one to carry the child and go on maternity as Alice couldn’t (or rather wouldn’t because of various reasons) carry the child.

 

Adoption: Our lives are going to be scrutinised to the finest detail and we may not pass their requirements. However, we’d get to give a second chance to a child that really needs it.

Donor: We could have future issues with the donor’s partner if they don’t like it. It’s a lot to ask of someone. After all the heart ache of people letting us down, we’ve stopped asking and closed that door. Now it’s potentially open again. We could experience various issues with having our own child as there’s no guarantees in any situation and I know that having a child over 30 is always going to be more risky. Also Alice has always worried about not feeling as connected to the child or like a third wheel between me, her and the donor. At least in this case, the donor isn’t actually connected to us personally. He’s a work colleague for Al.

 

All I know is I want to be a Mum and it’s been a desperate gap in my life for a long time.

 

I have this app that lets me know what I was blabbering on about 1 year ago, 2 years ago etc and 2 years ago almost to the day as I write this, I posted on Tumblr about it:

“My life feels like it will mean nothing until I have kids. There’s a massive hole where my kids should be.” – Thursday August 4th 2011.

My friend replied to me saying:

“You will have them eventually, you deserve them and you and Al will be the best mams ever! Just kind of be patient and I know that’s hard and sucky but you will get there! I wish I could help xxx love you”

 

That woman is now one of the best mums I know, and has a beautiful girl that spurred me on to look at adoption further.

I saw her baby and knew that if someone told me I was to take over and look after that little girl for the rest of my life, I would love her as if she was my own without question. It really made me rethink about what family really is.

But would I always wonder what it would be like to be a mum through it all, from pregnancy to birth onwards??

I know I appear impatient but I’ve wanted to be a Mum for as long as I can remember and I feel like 32 years is too long.

 

Either way I know we’re getting ever closer, but now I’m confused about what to do.

I feel like I left the donor option behind me forever. I made a conscious decision to write that option off and follow the adoption route. After being so hurt in the past by people letting us down at the last minute, this feels like we’re picking at a scar that’s not fully healed.

 

It may even be irrelevant as he wants to ask his girlfriend. I know I’d say no if I was her, but I’m aware that I can be selfish in that respect.

Maybe she’s a better person than me.

 

I dunno…

Please help.