Optimism versus Realism

So it looks like month 3 hasn’t produced anything positive either. I’m trying to keep strong and continue along the road to happiness, but quite frankly there a lot of things that are coming up against us as time ticks by.

We’ve looked into our options with the house. Turns out instead of being able to extend our contract, the landlord wants to sell up. She wants to offer us first refusal, but it’s not really much help to me when I can’t get a mortgage. It’s just a bit of a sick joke really. A mortgage would be cheaper and would help us out greatly in the long run, but when your wife has a high genetic risk of cancer, then there aren’t many mortgage companies out there who will even look twice at you.

I don’t know what we are doing wrong with our donor. I know people who are trying for a baby spend months, maybe years trying to conceive and it seems early to be worrying. But when we’re not even contemplating going down the Natural Insemination route and we will only conceive by Artificial Insemination at home, then we’ve got to try and make things work for us. To be fair, I think we are going to have to get our donor checked for sperm count soon just so we don’t end up flogging a dead horse as they say.

So anyways, it’s not 100% that I’m not pregnant yet, but it’s certainly looking like it’s a negative. 2 tries down… I’m just hoping it’s all a step closer.

I’d love to stay optimistic at this point, but I’m finding it so difficult. 2014 has finally arrived and it’s the year I’ve been dreading for so long. I don’t know why it felt much better that Alice’s operation was next year as opposed to this year. It was only a day that made the difference.

I’m just so tired and it’s only the 3rd of January.

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Month 2 and another day closer.

Well, we are heading towards month 3 now.

Obviously month number one didn’t produce any of the results that we were looking for. Also we had a death in the family which I’ve mentioned before so it was difficult to continue without feeling disrespectful. Especially as my most fertile day was the day of the funeral. It just didn’t feel right.

So basically we postponed for month number two and look forward to getting our lives back on track and trying again this month!

I can only hope it is as bizarre of an experience next time and that we can be successful soon.

 

This month we find out what our long term plans are for the house too. I’m hoping we will be able to negotiate a longterm contract so that we know where we stand for the coming months. A chance to feel settled.

 

I’m just looking forward to seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.

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Giving people like us some hope. Congratulations!!

To make a long story short: after induction, 48 hours of intermittent contractions, 7 hours of laboring without an epidural, another many hours of laboring with an epidural, increasing interventions, a fever, decreasing heart rate and, finally, an emergency cesarean, our daughter (blog name still Bingo) was born this morning. All are well.

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One small pot for man, one giant leap for lesbiankind.

So we got our first deliveries.

It was definitely bizarre, but I’ll get to that in a minute…

So yeah, month one got under way so it’s and exciting time right now.

I’m taking my vitamins, no alcohol, not smoking now for several months.

Now if you know me, then you know that the two non-living entities that mean the most to me are a good whiskey and a cigarette, so life has already changed!!

Ok, so here’s how it happened…

We’ve known our donor for several years and we were surprised that we were able to iron out the finer details and progress under our terms of business shall we say.

Our donor had to listen to us basically break him down, and break his heart a little too I think, but being the good guy that he is, he agreed.

He said “of course I’ll still do it, I can see what it means to you both and I get to be the one that makes you both so happy.”

It was a revelation.

Right then…

The stars began to align and the moon was in the 93rd sector of Pluto or whatever crap, and basically it was time to try it out.

Me and the Mrs had made the agreement that she would speak to our donor during the day and confirm details etc etc.

Our plan was to turn up equipped with the suitable conduit, supply donor with said conduit, receive the goods and then drive the short journey home to complete the deed.

All very peculiar.

We arrived and watched our donor grab a few bits and pieces, switch off lights and head downstairs to meet us.

Oops.

Failed at the first hurdle.

Thankfully our donor had just moved so we were quickly able to divert him back inside the house for a tour of the new digs.

Once inside we mentioned that we thought it would be much easier and less uncomfortable for him to provide us with a sample to takeaway…

So very very awkward…

He was fine with it and was happy to oblige. So we gave him the pot and then it got really weird.

Now, normally we are all pretty comfortable around each other, but what had just dawned on us was the fact this poor lad was faced with two women and a pot. And they were making demands that even the strongest of characters would feel moderately pressured by!

To make it worse we were going to be in the next room. Waiting…

I have to say that given the fact we know each other well and have seen and done some mad things together, this was unprecedented weird.

Sitcom weird.

Anyways the deed was shortly done and off we jetted in the car and raced back home with the missus nursing the delivery, in the pot, in her bra.

God knows what would’ve happened if we were stopped by the police.

Anyhoo, night number two…

This time things were a lot less awkward and quite humourous. Although we had one minor issue.

Traffic.

Now this is worse than driving when you need the loo and can’t find one. You’ve literally got something in the car that’s at risk of becoming completely useless and yet the simple fact you have it means so much.

We rushed into the house and did what we could in the time we had. Romance wasn’t exactly at its best…

Humour however was as I’d left my boots on! Now the reason this is particularly funny is because of the donor’s love of dr martins. There I was afterwards, legs in the air, hoping that gravity would help us out and up against the wall was such a funny sight.

Firstly, the donor is known for his docs.

And secondly, all that was missing from our lesbian baby making attempt was a pair of dungarees on the floor and Tegan and Sara playing in the background!! Sometimes the stereotypes just find us…

Anyhoo, we have since then found out that the first attempt wasn’t successful. But I’m quickly learning that this whole process needs, humour as well as heartache.

Time to take new steps…

This week things are going to change I hope…

We’ve got a donor, he’s confirmed and it’s looking positive. I’m petrified that it’ll drop through yet again. We’ve never got as far as how it feels right now. There’s still no donation as it were, but on Wednesday we’ll be in receipt of the first batch of goods.

And if so that’s further than we’ve ever got.

There’s certainly something to be said about counting chickens before they’ve hatched…

Hopefully tonight we’ll be able to speak to him and get him to sign on the dotted line before we go to collect on Wednesday.

At the minute it’s all about charting temperatures and how my body is reacting. My alarm goes off in the morning and with eyes still screwed shut I turn it off and reach for the thermometer on my bedside table.

It’s quite a funny ritual.

Bleep. It’s turned on.

Then I lie there half asleep and wait.

Bleep. It’s done.

Now finally open my eyes and update the one of many pregnancy apps on my iPad. (I use Glow the most…)

Fall back to sleep.

Alarm goes off again. Crap! I’m going to be late if I dont get up now!!

Apparently when you’re ovulating the temperature will rise a little and stay that way if you’re pregnant. So it may help me aviod getting ahead of myself. Here’s some info: http://www.babycenter.com/chart-basal-body-temperature-and-cervical-mucus

I’ve got an appointment with the Doctor on the 12th of November. So hopefully we will have all the ammo we need to get help if we need it.


I guess we’re relying on the fact our donor has what he needs and that I’m ticking over perfectly. Being 32 does scare me as there are so many things that could be wrong, but who knows…


I didn’t manage to get to the hospital for my second blood test so we’ll have to wait til next month for that one.


It feels ridiculous that after 3 years of trying to make a family, we’re only just getting all the ingredients.


I really dont think I can let myself dream right now. Before I’ve seen little things and I’ve bought them. This time, I’ve got nothing. Not so much as a teddy bear. It hurt so much last time when I gave it all away. Baths, clothes, baskets, changing mats… I’ll never forget leaving all that behind.


If we cant conceive now, I don’t know how I’ll feel. I’m simply not thinking about it.


What will be will be, but please keep everything crossed for us!


Things are about to get messy.

Life has a funny way of making you run in circles.

Well here we are again, we’re back to square one. Well, Square one plus VAT I guess. We have a donor.


God knows what that means for us as we’ve had donors in the past. There’s been no medical problems or other issues as we far as we know, the one issue has been reliability. Everytime, we’ve been let down by the person, not nature.

I’ve got blood tests next week and an appointment next month with the Doctor.

I dont even dare to dream at this stage. I’m holding out hope, but I think I’m just a bit broken by it all and would rather be negative than anything else.

One thing I know about me for sure now is that I’ll be damned if I’m going to give up. I’ve wanted kids for as long as I can remember, and after 3 years of being messed around, we’re not really much further ahead. I know I am biologically further along than I’d like, but I can’t turn back the clock now.

I do wonder what help, if any, we will get from the NHS. We decided after the adoption fell apart to visit the doctor to start with getting help from the NHS and to be fair, he didn’t have a clue.

We went to see the nurse last week, and although she was a lovely lady, she didn’t have a clue either…

I said was there any help or advice she could give and basically it was a no. She’s just referred us onto the Doctor.

All of the forms were very stereotypical. We watched as she had to scribble out “Male Partner” and put N/A in a lot of the sections. We took it in good faith and had a laugh about some of the questions. Obviously there’s a lot wrong with our sperm count and Alice can’t get it up. *Insert Fake Laughter here*

But joking aside, I felt a bit like it was a complete waste. I said to the nurse that we’d been looking online and really needed some help as there’s so much information you just don’t know what to believe.

I even asked about physically how we should go about it and her response was “Well there’s always the Turkey Baster method!!”

You're kidding right??

You’re kidding right??

I laughed but I think she saw that I didn’t find it all that funny.

It’s just never ending at the minute. There’s a light at the end of the tunnel, but I can’t tell from here how far away it is.

Until there’s a blue line where it’s supposed to be, I haven’t got a sodding clue.

Stumbling blocks…

We had a phone call from the adoption agency. It wasn’t great news, but it wasn’t bad news either I guess.

I’ll have to explain, we’re a bit different to other couples and things are a bit more difficult.

A few years ago, April 2010 to be precise, we had to collect some blood test results for Alice. Alice’s family has a troubled past with genetics and in particular, the BRCA2 gene. Recently the BRCA1 gene has been in the papers courtesy of Angelina Jolie and the preventative surgery she opted for.

Well, to cut a long story short, Alice has the BRCA2 gene. If you’re so inclined, you can read the wikipedia entry about it here. She’s going to have the surgery at some point in the future, but we’re not sure when they’ll be able to do it and understandably, the adoption people need to know when too.

I can understand that.

Love Makes a Family

Love Makes a Family

Also they want us to prove we’re not smoking so we’ve got to go to the doctors and get reports done. Fair enough.

Also our nice new house is well, basically too new… We need to have been in there for longer. Which is something that worries me in any case as our landlady is a bit flighty… We’ve got a tenancy review in December so I’m hoping we’ll be able to extend the tenancy for a while longer. Also we’re going to put ourselves on the council list so that if we can, we’ll be able to get something more stable.

They also want to speak to any significant previous partners. Which is not good news for me, needless to say the person I was with before Alice could hold quite the grudge. Hopefully they’ll take a statement from a mutual friend instead.

Little hands

Little hands

Oh and then there’s me having been a bit crazy in my early twenties. Nothing major, I was just a bit messed up and suffered from thinking the whole world was out to get me, when in reality it really isn’t. I think I had a hard time coming out and not living up to what I thought my parents expected of me. In reality they wanted me to be happy, it just took me a while to figure that out and basically stop being a brat.

It’s added an extra 5 months to the whole process which initially knocked me for six. I’m gutted as we were so excited thinking that we would have a new addition to the family within the space of a year, and now that has been extended again.

We’re so desperate to have a family and share our lives with another little one (or two) that it feels like its slipping away from us again. It’s not and it’ll all be worth it, but we started to let ourselves believe things were really happening and happening quickly too.

I broke down on the phone to the woman, which was awful. She explained that it isn’t a no, it isn’t even necessarily an issue, but there are things that we need to get in order before they can consider us.

So we’ve got some work to do now…

Bring it on, we can do it.

We Can Do It!

We Can Do It!